I’m writing this from the comfort of my bathtub while I have a glass of wine and a leftover birthday cupcake. I’m using my blog as a diary tonight. I’m not coming here to whine; I’m coming here to document so that I can look back in six months and know how strong I am for getting through this.
This is a hard season of life for me right now. Sometimes life is just like that. It’s trying and and full of questions. Nothing exponentially terrible is going on, just a lot of little hardships.
For starters, I’ve spent the last week in and out of the ER with Cooksey. All is well now, but he had a big bad asthma attack and then got bronchialitis (something like RSV) which is harder for asthma kids to get over. He is healthy now and we are on a good amount of medicine to keep him that way, but as a parent there is nothing harder than seeing your baby in distress. The poor kid couldn’t breathe well, and he’s too little to tell me what hurts. So we spent some sleepless nights monitoring his every move, and lots of long days doing the same. He is on the mend now, and not that it really amounts to anything, but I had to miss 5 days of work this week and that’s been really hard on me. I’m not saying I would have rather been at work, but as a teacher it’s a little different. You miss lessons and events; I missed deadlines and presentations. I just feel frazzled after a week away, and that doesn’t do my stress level any favors. I am so thankful I was able to be with Cook and that he is doing much much better now, but this Sunday night is a little harder than most. Not only do I have to take my baby back to daycare tomorrow, but I have to return to work where I have a lot to catch up on. Add to this all that my mom had to leave yesterday and I miss her like crazy. We’ve talked on the phone three times today because we’re both mopey about it.
Secondly, Chad and I will soon both be commuting 30 minutes (which I know isn’t terrible). This is news because it leaves us both 30 minutes from Cook. It would be the same way if we lived in the city but we don’t and it stresses me out. I love where I work and so does he, and we can’t make a move til our damn house sells so I feel stuck. We can’t decide where to go or what to do. I know God’s timing and plan will be perfect. But the waiting is hard.
Lastly, I feel like I’m failing. My house is never clean, I’m overweight, and I just can’t get anything together. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I also feel like others are noticing that. I mean to say I don’t think this is all in my head. I really think it’s taking a toll on me and my relationships with others. But I work and I commute and I try my hardest to be everything for everyone. But it’s still not enough. I just feel a little lost and hopeless.
Please don’t get me wrong. The good outweighs the bad and I have so much I am thankful for. But you can be thankful while going through a tough time. I’m even thankful for the tough time. I know I’ll come out on the other side and I’ll look back on this all and think “I knew you could.” But right now things just kind of suck. And that’s ok.
There will be more hard seasons in life, and mine is by no means the hardest. But my heart is a little achy and I feel a little lost.
So what I want to do is list what I’m working towards. If you feel so inclined, feel free to pray for these things for me. Comment your prayer requests and I’ll do the same for you.
1. I need our house to sell.
2. Chad and I need a plan for our lives.
3. I need to take care of myself and my health.
4. I need Cook to stay happy and healthy.
5. I need to get my priorities straight.
There’s plenty more to add to the list but I already sound whiny enough so we’ll stop there. If you’re reading this I am thankful for you. I know this was a crappy post, but I needed to write it. And I am thankful you took the time to read it. Go be blessed and I will do the same.