Because I owe it to you…

There’s a person here who needs to hear this. Who needs the whole story. But the thing is, I’m not ready to share it. Yet.

I’m not ready to be that vulnerable. To let everyone know what has really happened, how bad things have gotten. What you need to know is that I made it. I made it to the other side, and I came out stronger.

The truth is that things have gotten ugly and real before. I’ve sought help, received help, and can say that help saved me. My people saved me. I saved myself.

In lieu of recent events at my high school, I feel compelled to share my story. Who I am and what I experience on a daily basis. But I can’t. I’m too scared and I’m too embarrassed. There is a stigma, and in my profession it’s unacceptable to be less that 100. No one will understand because even I don’t understand.

What I can tell you is that you should stay. See your tomorrows. Your tomorrows are so full and bright. And we need you. We need your brand of crazy and fun and real and beautiful. Graduate. Get married. Have babies. Experience it all. Only connect.

In saying all of this, I guess what I’m trying to get to is that my real real story will be saved for now. I will tell you in person if you ask, but I will not publish it on the internet. Because not everyone is ready for it, and I’m not either.

I love you. You that is reading this and understands what I’m talking about. You that writes and feels too much and seeks a remedy. You that prays for help and you that hurts. You know who you are. And I love you. And I see you. And know that tomorrow is worth it. You are worth it. Everything.

Stories are sacred, but living life in the light is brave. I try to live life in the light and not cover everything with a smile. I hope this makes sense, and that you understand that just because people seem okay doesn’t mean they are. It’s okay to hurt, and it’s even more okay to live with that hurt and push to tomorrow. Emotions are essential to our being, and I don’t want to live life afraid of them. I want to embrace them. It is what it is. Ride the wave.

I think a lot of us are grieving right now. For a girl and for a feeling. A feeling we know all too well. It hurts deep and will for many days to come, but we can find our hope in God. I can’t help but feel that Jesus embraces it all. He loves the parts of us we don’t understand and has wide open arms for us despite everything we do.

Here’s to living in the light and embracing it all. I love you and I see you and I’m here for you.

XX

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And so it goes…

Right now? I’m eating candy in the bathtub. This time last week? I was checking all the things off my to-do list. Life be like that.

And so it goes. Since I last updated you all, I had some health issues (I’ll talk about those when I’m ready) and some life changes. I’m thankful for the adversity and deciding to use every bump in the road as a learning opportunity.

As things stand now, I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I’m thriving and enjoying the ride. I no longer let obstacles stop me in my tracks, but rather embrace them. I am living.

I now wake up at 3 am to get a workout in at 4 to leave for work at 6. I work my ass off and don’t apologize for being who I am. I let go of what doesn’t benefit me. I appreciate the time I have with family at the end of the day. And I rest. I take my medicine and supplements like I should, and I drink plenty of water. I eat well, and I’m not afraid of carbs. I only connect.

I’m not the best at keeping up with this blog, but I hope that changes in the days to come. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. I am constantly molding this platform to what it needs to be and I thank you for walking beside me as I work out all the kinks.

Here’s to balance and new beginnings. I hope to see you here more often.

XX

Life’s Hard Seasons

I’m writing this from the comfort of my bathtub while I have a glass of wine and a leftover birthday cupcake. I’m using my blog as a diary tonight. I’m not coming here to whine; I’m coming here to document so that I can look back in six months and know how strong I am for getting through this.

This is a hard season of life for me right now. Sometimes life is just like that. It’s trying and and full of questions. Nothing exponentially terrible is going on, just a lot of little hardships.

For starters, I’ve spent the last week in and out of the ER with Cooksey. All is well now, but he had a big bad asthma attack and then got bronchialitis (something like RSV) which is harder for asthma kids to get over. He is healthy now and we are on a good amount of medicine to keep him that way, but as a parent there is nothing harder than seeing your baby in distress. The poor kid couldn’t breathe well, and he’s too little to tell me what hurts. So we spent some sleepless nights monitoring his every move, and lots of long days doing the same. He is on the mend now, and not that it really amounts to anything, but I had to miss 5 days of work this week and that’s been really hard on me. I’m not saying I would have rather been at work, but as a teacher it’s a little different. You miss lessons and events; I missed deadlines and presentations. I just feel frazzled after a week away, and that doesn’t do my stress level any favors. I am so thankful I was able to be with Cook and that he is doing much much better now, but this Sunday night is a little harder than most. Not only do I have to take my baby back to daycare tomorrow, but I have to return to work where I have a lot to catch up on. Add to this all that my mom had to leave yesterday and I miss her like crazy. We’ve talked on the phone three times today because we’re both mopey about it.

Secondly, Chad and I will soon both be commuting 30 minutes (which I know isn’t terrible). This is news because it leaves us both 30 minutes from Cook. It would be the same way if we lived in the city but we don’t and it stresses me out. I love where I work and so does he, and we can’t make a move til our damn house sells so I feel stuck. We can’t decide where to go or what to do. I know God’s timing and plan will be perfect. But the waiting is hard.

Lastly, I feel like I’m failing. My house is never clean, I’m overweight, and I just can’t get anything together. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I also feel like others are noticing that. I mean to say I don’t think this is all in my head. I really think it’s taking a toll on me and my relationships with others. But I work and I commute and I try my hardest to be everything for everyone. But it’s still not enough. I just feel a little lost and hopeless.

Please don’t get me wrong. The good outweighs the bad and I have so much I am thankful for. But you can be thankful while going through a tough time. I’m even thankful for the tough time. I know I’ll come out on the other side and I’ll look back on this all and think “I knew you could.” But right now things just kind of suck. And that’s ok.

There will be more hard seasons in life, and mine is by no means the hardest. But my heart is a little achy and I feel a little lost.

So what I want to do is list what I’m working towards. If you feel so inclined, feel free to pray for these things for me. Comment your prayer requests and I’ll do the same for you.

1. I need our house to sell.

2. Chad and I need a plan for our lives.

3. I need to take care of myself and my health.

4. I need Cook to stay happy and healthy.

5. I need to get my priorities straight.

There’s plenty more to add to the list but I already sound whiny enough so we’ll stop there. If you’re reading this I am thankful for you. I know this was a crappy post, but I needed to write it. And I am thankful you took the time to read it. Go be blessed and I will do the same.

XX

Life Lately #5

Life lately has been hectic. I taught summer school and then left town for a conference. Chad has been working like crazy and picking up where I’m slacking. Cook has had doctor’s appointments and viruses and saw the ocean for the first time. We are all just taking one day at a time and soaking up these days where I’m at home all day to dote on my boys. Life is hectic, but sweet.

Most recently, we took a beach trip as a family. It was so wonderful to see Cook react to the water and the seagulls. We got to see family that we only get to see every now and then, and I think that made the trip. It made Chad and I realize how blessed we are. We ate pizza poolside, drank too many beers, and have sand all over our house now but it was so worth it. Salt water cures everything. And now we are so glad to be home.

Speaking of home, we are in the middle of moving (yes, still) and I’ve got a bad case of the don’t-wannas. Don’t wanna pack. Don’t wanna clean. Don’t wanna unpack. Just don’t wanna. We did show the house today, but the agent complained that it was dark and said they had to fumble around to find the light switches. Our realtor and I had a good laugh about that. We have 20’ windows and the light switches are placed where you think they’d be. On the wall.

Which brings up another point. I am at a low-tolerance level for BS lately. People’s emotions, people’s opinions, people’s negativity. I am too busy working on myself to let your problems interfere with my progress. And you should be too. Tuning out all negative vibrations. *insert peace sign emoji here*

All in all, life is great right now. Busy and weird, but great. We are pushing through change and adjusting to new normals and enjoying every minute of it. So many blog post ideas in the notes on my phone so stay tuned.

XX

You Know Who You Are

I know you are afraid. You fight demons that shouldn’t exist. You have a story that is harder than it needs to be. But you are strong. You are brave. You have taught me more in the short time I’ve known you than most people ten years your senior could teach me in years. Yet you don’t see your worth. You don’t see this resilient, beautiful, intelligent girl that rests beneath all the chaos and pain. You don’t understand that your suffering has a purpose. You matter, and the world needs you. Your friends need you. The quiet kid in class needs you. We all need you. Your unique brand of perfectionism and passion. The girl that doesn’t rest at “good enough.” The one that worries if she is enough for her people. And for the record, you are. You are more than enough. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it’s too much. Let go. Let God. Just be. You will find that those people you stress over will always be that way, no matter the amount of pressure you put on yourself to change them. You will find that the decisions you are faced with are easier to make with prayer and persistence. You will find that you are stronger and more capable than you believe. You will find yourself. Being young is hard, trust me I know. But the difficulties you face will fade. This too shall pass. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. As for me, I’m a big fan of yours. I see the brave, smart, funny, captivating, ingenious girl that you are. If only you could see your own worth. I will always be here. You have left an impression on me that can’t be erased, and I will be here for years to come. Don’t fret over tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own. Live for today, and know that I am here for all of your tomorrows. You matter.

XX